A Dog’s Life: Barney Fife and Wayne


In my own mind, I am the most entertaining person on the planet. I have a thousand funny little comic routines that quite honestly keep me in stitches. Why my dogs can’t find a way to get with the program is beyond me. I know, I just lost you so let me explain.

I am both a morning person and not so much a morning person. I like routines, I don’t use the snooze so when the alarm goes off I am up and 26 minutes later I am leaving the driveway. I don’t know why I do this but as a part of my routines a combination of three things always happens. The first is that I sing in the shower, usually it’s the 80’s metal band, Jackyl. I know, why the heck them? No idea but inevitably I am singing When Will it Rain in the shower. When I hop out it will always be one of two routines. I know I have a quirky mind but why I ever thought of the first routine is beyond me. I am of that generation where we grew up at least on the re-runs of the Andy Griffith show and Mayberry. For the longest time I have wondered at the incredible perfection of this show. Even the town drunk Otis is a fairly good guy. I mean seriously no one is that perfect. So it came to me one day, what if Barney Fife had a bit of cursing problem. Now you’re thinking about it so there. “Dayum Andy!” It’s hilarious, I go through all sorts of little routines on this premise, Barney at a pool party, Barney at a strip club. The possibilities are endless. I crack myself up but my dogs, eh they don’t get it. Oh and trust me, I have indeed shown them re-runs of that show and their response? They look at me like dude, it’s black and white. Silly dogs!


Now the other routine is even better. I love soccer, especially European soccer and my team is Arsenal. No, no, no they’re not the joke, well maybe sometimes. I despise Manchester United and the player I despise most on Manchester United is one Wayne Rooney. He probably does not deserve my spite, wait yes he does he plays for Man U. English analysts have long made poor Wayne to be the second coming and have placed ridiculous expectations on a player who simply is not that great. Now two things about this. I used to watch soccer on a channel called Setanta and they had this amazing skit with puppets of coaches and players and Wayne with his big ears, freckles and high pitched voice was made into a puppet. I can’t get the image out of my head. The second thing is while watching a game I heard an analyst actually say that a tackle that Wayne attempted was really quite good, if the opposing player had not moved. He was serious but I could not stop laughing. I would be a great tackler if I could get people to not move, sheesh. So on many mornings “I am Wayne, Wayne Rooney, soccer player, greatest in English history, superstar biggest superstar in the world better than Messi! Great human being and tackler of the football if they don’t focking move, bollocks, bastards! I am going to change my name to just Wayne like those Brazilian players like Pele or Ronadhino, and what kind of silly name is Ronaldhino.” This seriously makes me laugh, I am laughing now. My dogs, nothing, blech silly dogs.

Now I can give my 13 year old lab Haus a break he is mostly deaf and his vision is not that great either. Sascha though my Doberman is quite quite clever. She looks at me as if I were an idiot. Come on now, I am hilarious and who the heck does she thinks buys her food. Dayum Andy!!!!


In fact, that’s pretty much what she does during all my funny routines. Dogs! No sense of humor, but I sure can’t live without them.

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